Having only limited success with time travels – and strongly being advised against it by the Doctor, I traded Wells’ original blueprints for the Time Machine and got myself a pair of Teleport Pods, initially designed by George Langelaan and the first working pair constructed by Seth Brundle (who by mishap perished with his experiment). They were delivered into my laboratory with some difficulty. I had to enlarge the door opening and to install a massive garage door.

I wish it could have been so easy to just ”beam them in”, but I’m afraid these pods were not quite that advanced.
Compared to Star Trek-transporters, which I have to dismiss as pure fiction, these teleport pods were the dinosaurs of teletransportation. But in comparison to other technology of 1999, they were of course highly sophisticated.
You should be aware of, that conquering space and to become a master of matter-transmission can infact be almost as exhilarating as conquering time. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We will take this one step at the time. First I had to reassemble the components, which was an exhausting task all by itself. There were loads and loads of wires to connect from the pod to the computer and from computer to pods, pods to generator and computer to other accessories, like keyboard, mouse, scanner, coffee-machine and joypad. Then I had to install the Teleport Pod Program, which was another two hours of work. Huge program! The task was not made any easier by the fact that the manual to the Telepod System was missing. All I can say is that I am quite handy with all technical stuff. If you have read my report on ”the Rebuilding of the Time Machine”, you can imagine that the Telepods were no more intricate. It cost a lot of working hours, sweat and tears, and a bruise to the big toe on my left foot, but by next morning the pods were humming like little kittens. Getting the final go on all systems I successfully teleported the first object. My wallet. The computer analyzed its texture, composition, fabrication and contents before it delivered the wallet intact into the receiving pod.
They were noisy contraptions, but working just fine! I was amazed. When I looked through the contents of my wallet I found twenty Swedish Krona missing and instead an additional receipt or ticket saying ”Thank you, for using Telepod Transport – We hope you had a pleasant journey!”
It must be some kind of bizarre joke by the designer, or by Seth Brundle (who seemed to have had a strange sense of humour, from all that I’ve heard about him).

I considered my next move thoroughly over a cup of coffee. Since all that was being transfered from one pod to the other had to be pure energy and since the computer was in total control of the rematerialization-process (having a complete matrix for the transported object) and since all that actually was needed, once the computer knew what to reproduce, was energy – I gathered If I added pure energy in one end – the result would be a second wallet in the other. An intriguing thought. I had to try it.
While my stereo blurted out Thunderstruck by AC/DC, I doubled the generator output and instructed the computer to reproduce my wallet in the second pod. And it worked!
The second version of my wallet had all the receipts, credit-cards and small change of the first, but no paper money at all. Instead there was a yet another receipt with the words; ”It is illegal to use counterfeit – your cash has been confiscated! Thank you for using the Telepod Transport Duplication Option. We hope you’ll be able to pay the electricity bill!”
I just hate it when machines are trying to get smart with me. Apparently there was an ill willing bug somewhere in the system.
Who needs money? I could still duplicate food and other necessities. During my experiments with time I used vegetables… this time I would be more daring. I initialized the teleport sequence and placed a fruit basket in one of the pods. The door to the pod was heavy and I had to lean against it while closing it.
I felt a gush of adrenalin when I noticed that the front of my pants got stuck in the door to the pod. The teleport sequence was imminent, the generator was powering up and in the background I could hear Alanis Morissette sing: ”It’s like rain on your wedding day. It’s a free ride, when you already paid… ” Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?
Well, I can tell you one thing. It was NOT FUNNY! The door to the pod didn’t open until the teleport sequence was over.
The zippers to my pants had disappeared and some of the surrounding fabric with it. One could clearly make out the colour of my underwear. Something had gone terribly wrong. What does happen if you mix fruit and pants at the genetic level? I was afraid to look into the other pod.
I decided to wait until I had changed pants, before I opened the other pod to see the result. Passing the computer I caught a glimpse of the unsettling words blinking on the screen:
”Teleport sequence complete!”

There was no need for apprehension. In the end the experiment didn’t turn out so bad after all. The fruit basket still looked very much the same – but the bananas had zippers on them and peaches were dressed in jeans.
I guess it is better to be caught with an open fly than to be caught in the teleport pod with a fly.

Next step would be to experiment with a human subject. But where would I find volunteers? And who would be careless enough to step into the pod? There were no politicians around… and I was fresh out of innocent little sisters and my mother-in-law was unavailable. Besides, she was already being experimented on. Perhaps I could lure in some poor sod from the street. Anyone would do! I decided to go for lunch.

That day no one crossed my path who seemed to be a valid target for teleportation. I considered to ask Johan Anglemark or Ahrvid Engholm, but they would undoubtedly ask me a number of difficult questions before they would join me in this venture. In the afternoon I went down to the local pub, to look for someone drunk enough to volunteer. Devious, am I not? However… It didn’t quite turn out the way I had expected. I got drunk and finally decided to teleport myself.

Back home in my laboratory I was humming Thunderstruck again while I initiated the teleport sequence and stumbled half dancing into the transmitting pod. I was certainly in the best of moods. ”Tick, tick, tick….” the almost silent countdown was all I could hear inside the pod. There was a flash of light and the next thing I noticed was that I was sitting on a fruit basket with squashed jeans-peaches in it.
Another thing that was striking me as odd was the fact that my mind suddenly seemed to be in perfect working condition. There was a huge bottle of beer standing next to the fruit basket and there was a note attached to it with the words; ”Alcohol and teleporting doesn’t mix! Do not teleport again, while drunk! Thank you for using Telepod Transport – we hope you had a pleasant journey!”
Obviously the telepods have already been tested thoroughly and got several safety-routines installed. The alcohol was separated from my bloodstream, restored to its state of beer and had conveniently been bottled for reconsumption.
Upon viewing all the files stored in the computer I finally found the manual to the Telepods and produced a copy of it. There was a vast selection of items that have been transported with the telepods already. There were things that I even wouldn’t have come to think of myself, such as very elaborate contraptions to get intimate with and for releasing erotic tensions. There was also a broad variety of litterature, recipes for creating the ”Freak Show of the Century” and a Tourist Guide with excellent suggestions on where to send the second pod. Most of these suggestions were not suitable for Sweden, since expenses for postage and packing are astronomical in this country for an object the size of these telepods. I might as well buy a ticket, if I don’t intend to visit the same place twice.

The Telepod Transport System appears to be completely safe. So far I have had only pleasant experiences with this system and I can recommend it. With only some extra energy expenditure, it can also be used for duplication of various items. This report on the Telepod Transport and Duplication System (TTDS), for instance, and the February issue of CounterClock has been produced with it. Now that’s what I call an Enchanted Duplicator!
Some critics voiced their concern that the TTDS could be used to duplicate human beings. Hey, what’s the big deal? We’ve been able to do that since 1993, since the first human embryo was cloned! I would not worry about that.
My next idea was to send one of the pods to London, so that I would be able to attend the monthly gatherings of science fiction-fans at their Thursday pubmeeting. So, if you should happen to get this magazine from me personally, while I’m in London, then you should now have an inkling as of the true nature of my mission.

 

me2Wolf von Witting

Fountain of ideas, zen master, dreamer, philosopher, poet, cosmopolitan, polyglot, DJ, gardener, photographer, writer, translator, amateur astronomer.

From Sweden to Italy